8:30 Minding your Peepee In Serious Sufferation iN Queues
Another collabo with Guest Blogger
The other day at Tamasha I witnessed an interesting scenario at the kwa watoto. An Aegeus look-a-like galloped into the loos and resorted to peeing profusely amidst a series of chortles, giggles and neighs. His potty training was still intact as he had his trousers down at the ankles (like the young ones do), his colorless thong - worn the wrong way round - clearly visible below his Fundi Frank tank-top. At a certain point, in true dog-to-tree fashion, he raised a left leg and proceeded to sprinkle away unabashedly. It got me thinking about the so called short-call.
Call it what you may: susuing, weeweeing, taking a tinkle in glee, kunyora, sweet release, walking willy wanker, water-gun wars, mkojo mkuu etc – the point is, this is an activity not without its wees woes.
Act I, Scene I - To Pee or not To Pee
That must have been the question William Shakes-his-spear asked himself over and over on shaking his spear having done the deed. His thoughts were on the hassles and hustles:
Arriving at the loo, Inexes discovers a long queue. The urge is urgent and the need of needy proportions. Soon he begins to tiptoe in true ballerina fashion, left pirouette, right pirouette. A series of Masai- and Samburu-like jumps are unleashed with jaw being jutted outwards and upwards with each landing and being recoiled for the next leap. He still has time to take a few snapshots of his belly in the urinal mirror mid-air. “C’mon guys,c’mon!!! Maliza chap chap!!!” Damn, a slight leak and the front of his trouser is irrigated by a few ammonia droplets.
Act I, Scene II- Me I Love Narrow-pee Regardless
“At least let the starter be okay today!!” JM whispers and mutters under his breath, his furrowed brow revealing the inner tension and fear occasioned by previous encounters in crowded loos. He arrives at the urinal simultaneously with three other characters. He thinks of words of encouragement like those he normally hears when Pee-N Speaks.Within milliseconds of the preliminaries the comrades are gushing away in frenzied unison. Unfortunately JM’s NCC fire-station truck has empty pipes and pumps. He squeezes little josh amidst persistent tugs and tweaking to the left and right. Still nothing!!! The comrades are beginning to wonder why he is there… a few self-inflicted, well placed slaps to lil josh and the rivulet begins accompanied by posterior gASSy sighs of relief.
Act I, Scene III – Pablo Pee-Castle
Now, Dooaz Michael-angle-loo loved doodling and sketching in the loo. So he starts the work of art top-down given that pressure is decreasing at an increasing rate. The concentration is intense and the mood somber. Working on the Moaner Pisser is serious stuff. Initial arches are drawn against the dry urinal wall with strokes that are firm and manly. Drat! Running out of paint… The paintbrush is shaken in unison with the natty dreads as the artist withdraws his weapon and retreats from the studio. The incomplete work of art is desecrated and overwritten by the next occupant, Kirima, who unleashes floods of mineral water bottled at source from the slopes of Mt Kirima.
Act I, Scene IV – Pee-bo Bryson ft Peepee and Susu Winans
Having finished the extrication the establishment is treated to a rendition of “a whole new world” (with Archer singing both voices of the duet) marking the relief from release …indescribable feeling... Previous drops at the front of the trouser have since dried. Sadly, placing mshale-junior (MJ) to bed also has it risks. Clamping MJ between the index and middle finger, Archer delivers a series of shakes, shivers and quivers to empty the buffers. Thereafter, the clamp pressure is increased and squeegee-like motions applied forward and backward to ensure no hidden manyunyus and marasharashas remain. Comfortable in the thought that he is safe, MJ is laid to rest and Archer saunters away. "Drat!" There is a cold wet feeling at the tip and evidence of the deed is apparent from the frontal, wet trouser stain.
Act II, Scene I – The Pied Piper of Peepee
Aegeus was always a shy one totally afraid of the loo. The urinal was never his friend. He hated when there were queues. He’d fidget and shuffle in his feet. Other patrons would wonder what his problem was. To him Walking Willy Wonka was a private ceremony just like Wanking Willy Wonka. He always blushed. Overcome by guilt that his behavior was always deemed inappropriate causing undue sufferation durin urination like flatulation during copulation.
Act II, Scene II - Crouching Tiger Hidden Peepee
For starters, he handled his zipper like a delta force tactic. It was secret ammunition to be retrieved under tight surveillance. Like a witness-protection witness in a court of law. Rapid and swiftly. His body so close to the urinal that he was near mounting the porcelain receptacle( after all it had been a while). The nozzle of the small rifle aptly wrapped by foreskin, aptly wrapped by the left hand.
All the while Aegeus looking backward to see if any outsiders have visually infiltrated his peeing ground. Satisfied that his villi in his villa is safe he releases the sphincters.
Act II, Scene III - Pee Free or Die Free
Sometimes overwhelmed by the social bug. The Aegeus sheds his inhibitions and begins to syphon the python proudly. Unzips with one motion. Whips it out in one swing. And spray paints the urinal, like a garden hose to a garden. He breaks all the Urinal Rules of engagement. Makes eye contact with other hoses and waves them hello! Then makes eye contact with the unamused gardener and asks “whassup?!” With a wide crooked smile… and when he finishes shakes his hips in a Shakira-like fashion, and his piece like a bic refusing to write. He swings back his hose into his loin cloth like a belly dancer…and saunters off.
Act II, Scene IV - Hurry Peepee and the Order of the Bladder
It’s a cold day. Needs to pee urgently. Its now or never! The Aegeus shyly rushes to the urinal. Clenching back and front sphincters. Finds a queue. Can’t even stand straight, beads of sweat dripping. Finally he’s next on the urinal. Trembling to find the buttons of his corduroy pants, cursing why he loves buttoned trousers. Struggles to pull the elastic of his too tight ngothas, it’s a tag of war between thumb and elastic. Incoming cold finger causes peepee to retract further inwardly. Peepee don’t like cold. Aegeus can’t find said peepee. He discovers a wrinkle and gently pinches it with his nails, lifting it gently outward and forward…. pulls… pulls only to realise it’s the bean sac and not the bean stalk. Finally the time is here. The mind is willing but the body is unable. There is silence as colleagues behind are wondering what’s the delay. A shy Peepee? He waits for the order of the Bladder. Wait for it…and finally a drop drops…then a floodgate is released. According to Bernoulli’s principle: reduced diameter of the pipe = increased velocity and pressure. The recoil pushes him backwards, as he steps on PeeFlani’s toes, causing Bansusu to burst out laughing….