Being single in Nairobi rocks!!! I must say Nairobi has nice ladies: fun, hot, exciting, mysterious etc. But it has its fair share of bad ones too. Take for example:

Mama-Makaa

Some time last year we were hanging out at our usual spot at the Republic. Upstairs with beer flowing. In attendance were Man-One, the The-The, ChifB AKA Pounding Father of the Nation, ChairmanM AKA Sexy Gates, Henny and Milo. Man-One was stressing the need for a chick’s soundtrack to accompany the Lungula activity which he fondly refers to as Nyung’unyaing. Now, its been rumoured that Man-One is fully equipped to the extent that he has been nicknamed Dangling Fury, Mjoloba Business and Mizigo amongst other names by his former clients. So he was describing his escapades with a village gal the last time he was in shags. The part that got us was the soundtrack once the activities had began:

• Man-One: *Grunts, Huffs, Puffs*
• Villager: *at the top of her shrill voice* “Monster! Farasi! Dume!
• Man-One: *mixed sounds of neighing, braying and mooing*
• Villager: “Destroy me! Finish me! Murder me!”

This has all us boys laughing our heads off to the extent Henny falls over and spills the cocktail of the gal at the next table. But Henny is a Kamikaze, king of suicides. Within minutes he is indulging the gal in convo and she invites him to join her as she awaits her pal. Given my knowledge that Henny is also a pace-setter (starts way ahead of the pack and never finishes the race), I give him the signal and he gets me to join them at the table. The rest of the crew look at us the very same way guys of Sohos downstairs look at guys of Sohos upstairs (a look of severe longing). The next item in the agenda is the pairing. Henny is having some beef because the current gal (hereafter called Squeezy) is hot but she claims that her pal is hotter. Now, whenever a gal says that, expect her pal to be a Dikwonkwo on the Ngwound (Archer, 2006). Given his dilly dallying I decide to take the bold step and start squeezing in my points. A few minutes later Henny’s face really brightens up. The gal that joins us is smoking hot! My Goinoka, molten lava fresh from the volcano, that gal is hot! I kick myself internally but what the heck. Win some, lose some. New gal is introduced as Mama-Makaa (MM). How appropriate given that she’s smoking hot but also that she smokes like a chimney. So MM starts up complaining about the joint, the service and everything under the sun. I laugh internally. Henny winces and his shoulders start to hunch. He is in for a long night.

Anyways, as (mis)fortune would have it, by the end of the night MM and Milo have hit it off, Henny and Squeezy are rapidly proceeding towards destination LJBF (Lets Just Be Friends). Numbers are exchanged and a future date with MM is set.

Hell Date

First, she comes late. This in the midst of several texts sijui “10 mins away”, “almost thea Swty” blah blah. Milo’s getting worked up but in usual guy-fashion I remember how hot she is and cool down. Then, she shows up with a pal!!!!! (Lets call the pal TAC ie Three’s a crowd). Now, I have no beef with a gal bringing a pal along so long as I have advance warning so I can also bring back-up. I control myself. “Imagine Sweetie my pal had to come along because her boyfie is held up somewhere. He’ll soon come over to pick her.” So I think to myself “Ok, Ok. At least she recognises that it's our date and not a gathering.” I hit the “patience pays” button a chillax entertaining the gals. Before long MM is stroking my arm, leaning over and resting her head on my chest, running her fingers through my hair er… on my clean-shaven scalp LOL! But that’s the calm before the storm! Yaani when TAC’s boyfie checks in even the temperature in the club changes. Monsoon winds seem to be blowing. The guy is the size of Papa Bouba Diop (PBD)! Halafu, my date MM is the one jumping all over him. How now? Now why? Then… Instead of picking TAC and bouncing, dude enskwonces (Archer again) himself comfortably with us, no hurry in Africa. Next thing, MM disappears and so does PBD. Im left there vybin TAC. I head to the loo and bump into them on the way. MM is busy doing the Tootsie Roll on PBD. Assi! My big mouth gets me in trouble as I let my erm reservations be known. PBD gets mad and approaches Milo menacingly. Before he can rearrange me my bouncer pals are on him. He is politely evicted from the club. TAC has to follow and of course MM follows them but not before giving me a severe tongue lashing. Whateva!

Lie Low Like an Envelope

So I don’t call for like a month or so. Works like a charm cause when I send a tentative text the reply is “Av not forgiven u but you’re lucky m still talking to you”. Ching ching! This time round the date goes well and chicka ingias bosk! So we have an interesting time together over the next month or so until the texts start.

1. “Babes we’ve not done something nice in a while. I suggest we do dinner”. She shows up for dinner with two of her pals.
2. “Boo, please join me for a drink after class? Av misd u.” Find her with a bill for herself and her pal from the past 3 hours of drinking.
3. “Milo, Swty, Imajin m sooo broke. Si u do something?”. I write back “Ok Babes, I sympathize”. MM sends an angry reply “Not that!! M talking Benjamins here!” Ok. Now who is Benjamin? LOL! I write back explaining that I’m not her father to be sending pocket money. Silence…

She shows up at my local in the arms of another man the next weekend.

Na bado…