Me I LOve NAirobi REgardless - MILONARE
Ok ok... My barber isn't really called Conan Ryan… He's actually called Gitosh. But I needed something for the title. So sue me!!!!
The Before
It's amazing how I always manage to encounter one of the characters below:
- Professor Calculus - Boss? Dude? Yaani you are operating a receding hair line aka Kihara alias Airport and you are asking barber to give you a number 7 (Box cut). Chief?? Si angalau Ray Parker? Gitosh is but a barber, not some kind of miracle worker!!!
- Gully(vers) Troubles – I'm sure kindergarten kids envision the shape of this head as they sing "over the hills and down the valleys". If I were you I'd hunt down that mid-wife/mkunga and have words with her for digging her fingers into your scalp as she yanked you out into this world! Then you have the audacity to tell barber to make sure hair is even all over. Kwani you think he is a landscape artist??
- Volcano – this guy has mob eruptions around the chin looking like dormant Mt Etna and its various relas and then he instructs barber not to use the smoother as nowadays his chin is smooth given that he uses clippers only na aftershave!!!???!!! Ikiwa that chin is smooth, then truly the world is flat and we should resurrect and put to death those unbelievers/infidels again…
The During
The actual haircut allows one to experience the gamut of emotions…
- Careless Caress – Man oh man, I remember when my barber was actually a marmer/she-barber. Eish Dadi I used to ji-enjoyi tharaly! I understood the full gravity of a female uni student I heard about, complaining bitterly that some dude was caressing her carelessly. In her words "he was care-ressing me care-ress-ree". During the shave, I'd be lost in the oblivion that was her cut. I'd be swooning, sighing, swaying… As I would bask in the aftermath of our shave-making I'd be tempted to ask "was it good for you too?" Aaaahh, those were the days!!!
- Macaulay "Home Alone" Culkin - You never understand the full effect of Culkin's open-mouthed, post-aftershave-on-cheeks scream until you've been savaged and ravaged on kidevu by barber and then doused with methylated spirit!! And that's the time the radio at the barbershop is blaring TOK's "tears, teeeeeaaaaaarrrrrrs, fallin down…"
The After
Mirror, miraa on the wall. It's always amazing how everyone gazes into the mirror full of confidence post-shave. Finger and thumb caressing of chin, three quick hand-swipes of side of head and sudden swagger/bounce added to step. This despite the fact that:
- Calculus has a box cut that looks more like a Kojak with interspersed twigs, shrubs and weeds on top of head,
- The barber had to change mirror positioning like 20 times to capture all angles of Gully(ver)'s head and
- The motion of thumb and fingers caressing Volcano's 'smooth' chin was not too dissimilar to those of the cars over sand-dunes during the Paris Dakar rally…