soundtrak: deadbeats :: you never know
- D called me last night (during the superbowl… do these people not understand the do not disturb… i’ll explain later..). i couldn’t bear to pick up the phone and he left a voicemail. i haven’t heard it yet; i don’t know if i’m going to listen to it. he texted me about two days after my birthday asking when it was again. usually, he’s better than this, always getting an annual birthday card from him. i know i still have to talk to him, but i don’t even know how to start.
- so last monday was my birthday. i’m 30. i feel different, but the same. i don’t know. they had a surprise party for me last saturday (which got snowed out), which then turned into sunday, where the people you know who really care will really show up. we had a grand ole time; i never laughed so hard in all my 30 years (lol!). Y didn’t show, called a day later (during Lost; how. many. times. do i have to say it? don’t call. text. email me during my show! geez! i only ask for small things…).
- i don’t know if it’s because of the snow systems that have passed through within the past two weeks, but i’ve been thinking about what really happened between Y and i. i’ll admit error on my part; i felt like our friendship was slipping away, wanting to be closer and i mistook caring for desire (or maybe the other way around). unfortunately there is no star trek: voyager harry kim reset button (i mean, watch a couple of episodes; they reset that character every episode! no growth whatsoever!); things can’t be the same way they used to be. in the end, Y is caring, but to a point; sometimes he asks questions that really don’t need to be asked, when sometimes all you need is a helping hand or a shoulder to cry on. we cannot be the friends that i thought we could (should) be.
- 1. i came up with that conclusion when T told me that i expect too much out of my friends (read: i expect too much out of him). so i have learned not to expect so much out of him anymore. when he didn’t show up last sunday, i wasn’t surprised. i also have some other conclusions to that, but i’m not sharing.
2. jam was totally that friend that i could cry on, but i think i did expect too much from him. too much that he couldn’t give. eh, my barometer is off.
- i think jan and i were eating lunch one time last week when we observed a woman, eating lunch alone, reading a book. did you ever eat lunch like that, when you were a kid? she asked. i actually used to eat lunch in the bathroom, then run to the library, where i would study, read, whatever in solitude. i was that nervous, that shy. i guess people find it a bit shocking, weird, funny. i don’t seem to be that kind of person that would have ever needed to do that, jan expressed to me later in lab. i shrugged. that’s life. so how does it really feel like to be 30? she asked. it had been a couple of days. i don’t know, i focused on writing on tubes that i would aliquot deoxyribonucleotide triphosphate into. the past four years have been a growing experience for me; i know what i want and what i don’t want. are you happy? she stopped her work for a moment. i knew where this question was coming from. i have this quirk: i’m never satisfied with the results. be it data, the end of books, the end of events, the completion of degrees. ok, maybe satisfied is not the right word. there is a sense of completion… or not. i’m always moving on, quickly: what’s next, let’s go. i got it from my father, who instead of congratulating our perfect scores or As, always reminded us not to lax on our studies so that we wouldn’t get that next A. this had resulted in a pretty good career (if i would say so myself), but it’s hard for me to look back and appreciate it. sometimes it’s good just to move on, to what’s next, what’s better, but you have to be able to appreciate where you came from. now that i think about it, my parents barely do that themselves. and they came from alot. when is the time to do that though?
peace.
Positives:
Nakumatt are not kidding when they say "You need it? We got it".
Was taking the lovely wife shopping and was amazed to find this offered for sale on the shelves

Just what on earth are those?
© M for tHiNkEr'S rOoM, 2010. |
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A friend sent me an SMS on my phone asking what I would die for. At first I thought the answer would be easy but an hour later, I still hadn’t replied and so she called to ask. I didn’t have an answer to what I would die for. The reason is because in the time that I had thought about it, the question had seemed trickier than I would have imagined.
When I thought about the things that one should die for, my mind went back 2 years ago to the time when we had our last presidential elections. The results of the election were disputed and as a result, violence broke out and many innocent people lost their lives and property. In that group of people who lost their lives were a posse that went out into the front line in the name of the politician who they supported and hence believed had won the election. In other words, they were willing to give up their lives for the cause of the politician. And they died.
When I thought about it, I realized none of the politicians from the two parties in contention was willing to give their lives for their cause. Neither was to be seen anywhere near areas where the asphalt was burning with tires. And when they appeared in public to give statements – and sometimes pour more fuel into the fire – they were very well protected by professional body guards hired for that job.
Were the politicians willing to die for their cause? No! In fact the irony is that in any battle, it is the ones who have the least to gain that are always putting their lives on the line. The ones who have the most to gain are never willing to die.
Conventional romantic wisdom tells us that the ultimate test of love is when one is willing to die for the apple of their eye. If a boy loves a girl so much and even dies for her, common sense tells me that she will grieve for some time and then put the sorrow away to make room for love with someone else. I also suspect that when the girl is 90 years old, she will most probably consider the boy who lived with her all this time to be a hero. Wouldn’t it make more sense to find something to live for instead?
One of the most challenging conversations that I ever had was with a friend called Tom. He brought up the conversation by wondering why our fathers didn’t buy land in the City Centre when it was readily available many years ago. At the end of the conversation, Tom warned that 20 years from now, our children will be questioning about the same thing about their parents – us. After that conversation, one of the things that became very clear to me is that in 20 years’ time, that which will be of great value might not necessarily seem important today, and is most probably readily available; just as land in the City Centre was much cheaper and abundant to our fathers when they were young. The challenge is to identify what is readily available to us today that will be of great value 20 years from now.
Each time I think about it, I always conclude that that ‘thing’ that will be of great value in 20 years is consciousness. For the purpose of this article I will look at consciousness in terms of the scope that is defined by the boundaries of our mind. As we know, these boundaries are defined and marked as we develop in life. Up till our 20s, the boundaries are defined by our parents and teachers and relatives and friends. But then when we come out of the school and into the world of careers and jobs, the boundaries expand because we realize that it is mandatory in order for us to cope in our new found reality of financial responsibility. When we get married and start families in our 30s, the boundaries expand some more as we learn how to take on even more responsibilities in the world. By the time we are getting into our 40s, we more or less have found a handle on life and tend to settle into a routine that works very comfortably with us and those around us. And there lies the danger, for many people decide to settles into their mental boundaries for good.
What happens when a person settles into a fixed consciousness for good? Well, they remain in the same state of affairs year in and year out. And I am sure that you know of people who just settle into life and every day looks like another. In most cases, they hold the same job for years, maintain a predictable daily routine, go to the same social venues, maintain the same circle of friends and generally like their boats not to be rocked. If any of the parameters of such a person’s life changes, it appears as if their whole world has collapsed.
But is settling into a comfortable lifestyle so bad? No, it isn’t. But you see, there is a better way. What is that better way? The better way is for a person to take it upon themselves to expand the boundaries in their minds. How? Through ‘personal development’ initiatives. Such as sports and fitness, reading books, learning new skills, developing hobbies and so forth. Of course the benefits of such an approach to life include a healthy and happy lifestyle and even financial gains. For such a person, no day is like any other since the mental boundaries are always shifting and their consciousness is very dynamic.
If you compare the person who ’settled’ into their mental boundaries and the person who made a conscious effort to expand their mental boundaries, what will be the change in 20 years? I will tell you that if the difference were to be measured in acres of land, the first guy might have a quarter acre where he has his small comfortable house, and the second person will have hundreds of acres spread across various parts of the globe. And in 20 years time, what will the children say? The children of the first person will be wondering what their father did while other men developed themselves, and the children of the second will be increasing on what their father continues to build on.