One day I was walking with a female colleague in Nairobi at night. And as we went past the Total Petrol Station on Koinange Street that houses the Florida Night Club, she asked loudly, “What kind of men come to pick up these girls?” She was referring to the scantily clad prostitutes that hang around Koinange Street boldly flagging down male motorists in a bid to entice them to stop and negotiate for a ‘good time’. My friend was asking the question more to herself than to me. Had she directed herself to me, I might have told her that I did not know what kind of me pick up prostitutes using my most convincing tone. However, if I were to have been quite honest, I would have told her that she was walking with one of those men.
I am sure she would have been shocked and I most probably would have wanted her to understand the circumstances that had led me to become sexually addicted to prostitutes. And I would have taken her back many years before when I completed my high school. Having free time between doing my final exam and waiting for the results that would enable me to proceed to the university, I had the excellent opportunity to discover the city of Nairobi. And so I would spend a lot of time walking up and down the streets, marveling at the various items of display behind glass windows in various shops, while committing the map of the city to my mind. It was in one of those outings that I met a cousin who was slightly older than me and who lived and worked in the city. And so we spent some time together chatting about my school and his job and we agreed to make more time the following Sunday so that he could show me more of Nairobi.
Come Sunday, I met my cousin and after exchanging pleasantries, he asked me to follow him for he had something to show me. I do not remember quite which route we took until we found ourselves walking up a flight of stairs and on breathlessly coming to the landing, my remaining wind was knocked out by the spectacle that greeted me. There was a long corridor and on each side was a row of women of all shapes, sizes and complexions wearing very short skirts and brightly colored tops that liberally exposed the bosom. At once, I realized that I was in a brothel. My cousin was still walking and so I braced myself and slowly followed him feeling the eyes of the many women upraising us as if we were the ones on sale. As we climbed two more sets of stairs to walk along corridors with similar parades of prostitutes I wished I could just get out and take a breathe of fresh air and when my cousin saw my discomfort, he obliged and we went back to the street.
I was sweating, my heart was racing, my knees were weak, and I was laboring for breathe. All the while, my cousin was explaining what happens when a person engages one of the women for a sexual encounter and with a shaking voice I asked him, “How does one protect themselves from getting infected with a venereal disease?” He laughed at my naivety and said, “The woman will give you a condom!” Even though I was not quite a virgin, most of what I knew about sex was picked up from discussions with my school friends and from the occasional steamy novel that came my way.
“Do you want to try? I will pay for you…” my cousin prodded. I was so turned on by the images in my mind that I cut him off with an enthusiastic “Yes!”
And so it began.
The next time I was in town, I managed to find the building that had the brothel all by myself. Within a very short time, I had discovered other brothels in town and I was officially addicted. At 18, I was ready to start conquering the world but from the way I felt so helplessly attracted to commercial sex, it seemed like the world had conquered me even before the fight began. I was to attempt to break the acquired habit soon after, but it seemed like the more I tried the more deeply I got hooked. After each encounter, I would look at myself in disgust and vow that this would be the last time, until days turned into months and months into years.
Why am I writing this? It is because I feel compelled to talk about sexual addiction which is an issue that I believe affects many people making them feel unworthy, dirty, abnormal, out of control, sinful and even suicidal. At the surface, it might seem like a simple issue of masturbation, or being too amorous, or too much enjoying of being in strip clubs, or loving porn, or wanting to be in inappropriate sexual situations say with a child, or one of many other kinky sexual acts. And even though it can easily be justified, the person affected can never really accept himself or herself because of this behavior, and he or she would like to be free from the crack of its whip.
In Kenya today, there is an ongoing cultural revolution that is making many people review their sexuality more objectively. This is perhaps most evident from the many advertisements concerning sexual enhancements of all sorts that appear in the daily newspapers. While they are useful as aides to help people with various sexual dysfunctions, it is obvious that perfectly OK men and women are being driven into taking drugs such as Viagra, and into believing that their penises need to be enlarged, or their vaginas need tightening. Sure, dildos and other sexual toys are bringing unprecedented ecstasy into many lonely bedrooms. However, there is a danger of being hooked to ‘coming’ in much the same way that an overweight person is hooked to food. A person might even realize that they can no longer enjoy a normal sexual relationship with a partner despite being in a loving relationship.
Unfortunately, when one is hooked to a dildo it will not be just a case of packing it away inside a box for good as soon as a sexual partner comes along. Neither will a man who visits prostitutes regularly give up his rendezvous on getting married to the girl of his dreams. And since the conscious convicts most people on sexual grounds many men and women lead secret lives of unbelievable sexual adventures unknown to their spouses or partners. The burden is heavy to bear and many would like to share it, but many men and women are asking themselves, “How can anyone understand?”
The fact is that because of how good it feels, a sexual addiction becomes very consuming and can be difficult to break. A sex addict will continue to engage in certain sexual behaviors despite facing potential health risks, financial problems, shattered relationships or even arrest. As with any other problem the first step into breaking sexual addiction is recognizing that one has a problem and deciding to take responsibility for finding a solution. By the grace of God, sexual addictions and all forms of addictions can be overcome.
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